Well I Wonder

New York, I Love You

2010-09-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

I really, really miss home. LA has been fun and it's been great to explore, but I feel like I've tapped LA out. I'm not sure there is much more to explore. So now, I'm left with some major decisions to make. Do I move out of this hell-hole that I live in now and move west (closer to work, but more money in rent) or do I stick it out here (with bugs/shootings/no parking) and try to save money to move back. Also, am I giving up on LA? I'm having a hard time meeting people I like, my dating life has been lack-luster, but I love my job and my therapist here in LA. Will going back to NY make me feel better? I know I will never have a shortage of things to do in NY, but friends and dating will probably be the same. What kind of job will I be able to find there? Should I take the bar? The economy? Ugh. I don't know.

I guess it all depends on how quick I want to move back. Oh, and money... I did look on Craig's List for apartments - I think I can afford Brooklyn. That might be a dream come true!

I want you to be my prize

2010-09-02T14:28:00.000-07:00

I still think about "Patches".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H12qWS0i-0Q

Dating Might Just Kill Me

2010-08-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

Dating is kicking my ass. Had a date this weekend. I was super nervous and wasn't completely on my A-game. Overall, the date was fine. But now, all I hear is crickets coming from the other side. No bueno. Dudes suck.

An Eschatological Laundry List

2010-08-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

An Eschatological Laundry List

From 'If you Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him' by Sheldon Kopp, with profound thanks for the gift of his life

1. This is it.
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can't get there from here, and besides there is no place to go.
4. We are already dying, and we'll be dead a long time.
5. Nothing lasts!
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there's no compensation for misfortune.
11. You have the responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
12. It's a random universe to which we bring meaning.
13. You really don't control anything.
14. You can't make anyone love you.
15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
17. There are no great men.
18. If you have a hero, look again; you have diminished yourself in some way.
19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends. (yes, you too, and most certainly myself.)
20. All evil is potentially vitality in need of transformation.
21. All of you is worth something if you will only own it.
22. Progress is an illusion.
23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems.
24. Yet it is necessary to keep struggling toward solution.
25. Childhood is a nightmare.
26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of-yourself-cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.
27. Each of us is ultimately alone.
28. The most important things each man must do for himself.
29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that's all there is.
31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.
32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge.
33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.
34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.
35. No excuses will be accepted.
36. You can run, but you can't hide.
37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats.
38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
39. The only victory lies is in surrender to oneself.
40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.
41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.
42. What do you know for sure...anyway?
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again.

fuck

2010-08-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

I think I blew something. Why am I such a retard sometimes? Not feeling good about it and now I'm anxious. Grrr.

Love, where are you?

2010-08-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

I know all the sayings: the timing wasn't right, he's not the right one for you, stop looking for love, blah, blah, but it's been a long time and I'm ready. I'm ready for love. Why is it so hard find? And how true is this?! It's on a building in San Francisco. Pretty cool.

Long Time No Post

2010-08-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, so much has happened in the last 3 months I don't even know where to begin! I started a new job, I went to trial on a case from work (we won!), I went to trial on the stabbing in my building (we lost), I met a guy, I lost a guy, I've made some new friends, I've gone up to San Francisco twice, got a new little tattoo, saw Joan Jett live, and shit, I don't know what else. But that's what I've been up to.

Rogue Taxidermy

2010-05-07T23:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to La Luz de Jesus art gallery (aka Wackos on Hollywood Blvd.) for the art opening of Rogue Taxidermy by Robert Marbury. Here are a few pics from some of the pieces I really enjoyed. If you're interested: http://www.laluzdejesus.com/shows/2010/Rogue-Taxidermy/Rogue-Taxidermy2010.htm There are also some Cannibal Squirrels that I didn't take pics of, but you should definitely go check them out for yourself!

Frick n' Frack

Pimped Peep

Fighting Siberian Mice

Dharma Punx

2010-05-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today was my first time attending Dharma Punx over on Melrose. It was pretty interesting considering I've never really meditated except during yoga or an anxiety attack. Since it was my first time and I was 4 minutes late (they had already started) I spent the first 10 minutes pretending to meditate while checking everyone out and trying to get into a comfortable position.

What I found most interesting is how noisy I am inside right now. Anyone who has ever tried to meditate knows that it's pretty difficult to focus on your breathing without slipping and thinking about whatever is on your mind (today's instructor mentioned pizza and sex - I thought we were off to a fabulous start!) But in all seriousness, I thought to myself, "Dude, do you ever shut-up?" My mind wondered from, "I'm still really hurt from that incident" to "Remember that time with so-and-so?" to "What am I going to wear to the show tomorrow night?" Eh, there was more crap, but you get the point. It was good just to have some stillness in me, even if it was only for a minute or two at a time. I'll tell you what though, I'm really looking forward to reconditioning my brain to calm these thoughts. The instructor said concentration was the key and not to beat our selves up for thinking during meditation because it is not our intent to think, it's a conditional response. We should not feel that we have failed, yet again, because of it. Hmmm, I've failed yet again. I've never thought that. Ha!

http://www.againstthestream.org/
http://www.dharmapunx.com/index.asp

Little Red Riding Hood Meets The Big Bad Wolf

2010-05-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today's amazing score: this lovely crimson skirt found at the local Good Will for $2.99. Seriously hot stuff!

Let's Give Meetup A Chance

2010-05-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit bored as of late and decided that it was high time I got out there and started making some new friends here in LA. Not that I don't love my current LA friends, it's just that my small group of friends, how should I put it?...All have very different interests. So, for example, I want to go see TSOL this Thursday. Tiffany can't go because she is married to school, Freddie would never go to something like this, Darren is at work, $50 bucks Uli is not interested...you get my point. It's highly likely I'll be going solo to this show. That's okay and all, but I don't want to go alone all the time. So, I'm joining book clubs and Meet-up groups to make new friends. Oh! And I'm going to start going to Dharma Punx Meditation groups.

The first two book clubs I joined are groups that I found over at Skylight Books on Vermont. One is Child of the 80's. We are currently reading "Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time" by Rob Sheffield. Interestingly enough, I actually had this book sitting on my shelf for the last two years. It was a no-brainer. Join this book club. The other book club I joined is The Coyotes Book Club. This month's read is Dave Egger's, "What Is The What". I decided to join this book club just based on their reading list. Hey, books are cool to read and hopefully we make some friends while we're at it!

Meetup: I joined one more book group, the L.A. Feminist Book Club. Uh oh. Did I over-book myself? Ha! Get it?! (when you're lonely you learn to entertain yourself). Last but not least, I "applied" to join this other group on Meetup called "The Red Lipstick Society". It's for bad-kittens, burlesque girls, and the like. "This ain't your momma's society. Tentative meetups in the future include burlesque and cabaret shows, absinthe themed dinner parties, pole dancing, belly dancing, naughty parties, drag shows, crafting and hat making. Basically anything that allows us to luxuriate in our femininity." Yeah, hello! Let me in!!

Okay, last thought on this: LA is nothing like Jersey City. In JC all I had to do was go to the local coffee shop or dive bar and I made friends. Poof! It was magic. It's not like that here. Or maybe, I'm just older. Hmmm. Food for thought. xo

Hello, friends?

2010-05-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

Uh oh. It's Saturday night at 8:20 and I'm working on a blog. I think I need to make some new friends. I should be out at a show or something.

Depression & Passion: Intrinsically Linked

2009-11-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

I need to find a reason to wake up in the morning, because right now, I don't have one. I want to wake up in the morning and feel the desire to go to work. I hate this job and it is not satisfying at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Everything I have done for them in the last year goes either unnoticed or ignored. The firm wanted someone to revamp the organizational scheme, but it's not working. It's not taking effect. And honestly, I've lost the motivation.

Regardless. This is not enough to wake up in the morning anymore. Money is not enough anymore, either. I find sitting here for 8 hours a waste of my time. I am simply passing the time. I am just surviving and not living.

Surviving. I am good at that. But who isn't? Anyone can be a robot, passing the time in this world. But I want to live. I want to be happy.

"Unloveable" by The Smiths

2009-11-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

Oh ...
I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
Oh ...

I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
Oh, message received
Loud and clear
Loud and clear
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours

I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
For message received
Loud and clear
Loud and clear
Message received
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours

I wear Black on the outside
'Cause Black is how I feel on the inside
I wear Black on the outside
'Cause Black is how I feel on the inside

And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am
If I seem a little strange
That's because I am

But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me

Oh ...
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
Mmm ...
Oh ...